顺服至死，且死在十字架上

11/6/2011 ，置身在马六甲CKRM 事工中心，独自一人躺在床上想着明天俊祥（Elisha）和惠义（Joann）的婚宴要穿那一件衣服？想啊想啊，不知怎的却睡着了。迷迷糊糊中好像听见Joann 的声音 唤着Mummy。。。 我本能的回应“来了”，接着是晴天霹雳的大叫一声“啊哟！痛啊！”

我疼得大喊大叫，跌坐在地板上大哭。。。。

我知道我的脚伤得很重，无法站立起来。好疼。。。。。

我怎么了？发生了什么事？神啊！为什么会发生这样的事？我在哪里出了差错？哪里得罪了祢？？？祢在管教我？？神啊！祢是有恩典，有怜悯的。求祢恩待我，向我显明我的罪， 好让我有机会悔改！神啊。。。。。

主啊！我很痛啊！承受不了，不要丢弃我，不要不理我，求祢恩待我，显明我的罪。我不知道问题出在哪里？不知道那里得罪了祢？不要向我转脸，神啊。。。。。。。

在剧烈疼了一段时间后，只要不移动身体，似乎就不太痛了。比较安静不疼的时候，神带领我到 彼得前书2:13-22 （你们为主的缘故，要顺服。。。。。。他并没有犯罪，口里也没有诡诈）。我在灵里觉得祂在回答我说我并没有在任何地方得罪祂。感谢主！知道自己没有得罪神，我非常喜乐！

但问题是，若没得罪神，无端端的为什么会发生这种事呢？忽然想起明天的婚宴。。。神啊，对不起，我知道祢已把我分别为圣，不要为世俗的一切忧虑，明天的婚宴肯定不能出席了。是祢的心意，我顺服就是了，愿祢的旨意成就，愿祢得满足，得荣耀！

我也要求牧者领袖为我祷告，寻求神到底要向我启示什么。还记得保罗牧师回复我说：“You are suffering for your Calling （你在为你的呼召受苦）” 之后，我垦求神医治我。当我求问神要如何医治我时，神感动我去禁食祷告三天，我只好顺服。当所有人都去了Elisha 和Joann的婚宴，我却独自一人留在中心禁食祷告。

感谢主！三天过去了，我的伤也康复得七七八八了。第四天（15/6/2011）更能自由活动，上下楼梯，也能照顾自己。Gloria 姐妹也领受到神的感动，觉得可以放心回新加坡了。隔天，星期五，伤势已无大碍也近乎全好了的我，更恢复平日的事工，服事来参加小组的肢体。

星期六当天，我回返了CKRM 八打灵再也。我不但能自己提行李箱爬上三楼，更能自由地在“Healing in His Wings”事工中服事。星期天（19/6/2011）早上，感觉上应该是完全康复了。我在完全不疼痛的情形下独自步下楼梯前往机场搭机回返新加坡。我怎么也没想到就在回返新加坡的路途上，脚突然剧烈的开始疼痛！到了樟宜机场，那疼痛更是加剧到无法承受而必须以轮椅代步。

隔天 （20/6/2011）我到诊疗所检查。医生说没有骨折，大概是筋扭伤了。照了X-光后就让我回家去。第三天（22/6/2011），诊所突然来电要我马上入院就医，原因是X-光片显示我有骨折。到了医院，医生在检验了我和X-光片后建议我立刻动手术，因我的情况实属严重性的。医生也为我在这十一天里在马来西亚能到处行动自如，再从吉隆坡机场回到樟宜机场感到大惑不解，以为我在说梦话，更坚持我一定要赶快动手术。

对医生的建议我感到不知所措。自从2003年奉献服事主以来，平日若有任何伤风感冒，除了主耶稣大医生以外，我不大愿意拜访其他医生。当时的我可慌透了，唯有向神祷告。求神显明祂的旨意，是否通过动手术的方法来医治我？还是。。。。

在寻求主的过程中，我发现不论答案是“是”与“否”，神的恩膏都不断地浇灌在我身上。我根本无法分辨什么才是神的旨意。最后我唯有学基甸以羊毛干湿为证的寻求方式（士6:36-40）来决定。我后来拒绝了医生的建议，决定不动手术。医生感到非常意外，以为我的脑子出了问题，便致电Jitson 来说服我不动手术的危险。我向Jitson 解释，我不是不愿动手术，也不是不知道不动手术的危险性。但因寻求了神，答案显示这是祂的心意，我不敢也不愿违背祂的旨意。我更相信我的生命是属神的，祂会保护我，医治我。Jitson听了我的解释后也同意我的决定。最后我要求医生给我三天的时间，若情况依然没有好转，我便回来动手术。在医生的建议下，Elizabeth 姐妹买了一张轮椅要我以此代步。

神非常恩待我。在等候祂超自然医治的日子里，祂除去了我一切的疼痛。我非常的感恩。

28/6/2011， 我带着满怀希望和兴奋的心情回到医院复诊。但、再一次X-光的检验结果是我必须动手术！在那一刻，我的心就如大石般的往海底沉。我感到非常的伤心和失望。脑海中浮现的尽是无数个问号！这到底是怎么一回事？我到底在做什么？神又到底在做什么？我经历了那么多不知所措等候的日子，又是为了什么?

29/6/2011，手术后我哭了一场。不知是为身体的痛而哭，还是为神为何如此待我而哭？？记得在痛中我对祂说:-“我没有要求祢一定要以超自然的方式医治我，我只是要顺服祢所以寻求祢的心意。祢指示我禁食祷告，不找中医，我以为祢要医治我。

在新加坡，祢指示我不要动手术。虽明知会有生命危险，世人认为我愚拙，拿自己的生命开玩笑。但我信靠祢，拒绝医生的规劝，我以为祢要医治我。

通过祢的仆人指示我到医院动手术，我当然听从祢的。但、我觉得很委屈、不明白。既然这是祢医治我的方式，那为何允许我走那么多冤枉路？

诚然，祢是我的主，祢有完全的主权，我的生命是属于祢的。所以，我选择不再问你为什么。只求祢赐给我更多力量，恩典去承受这一切，保守我永远不发怨言。主啊！我选择对祢说谢谢。为这次的意外谢谢祢，为这手术感谢祢！我还要对祢说，我要继续奔跑祢给我的路，为祢的名打那美好的仗， 阿门！”

就这样我在医院安静休养，常常喜乐，向主高歌，不论环境如何，。。。。。。常常祷告，耐心等候，主做事有定时，流泪撒种必欢呼收割。。。。这首诗歌成了我的良药益友。。。。。

我在心里默默的哼着:-

主啊我到祢面前，献上我的今天，我的生命，我的一切，献上当着活祭，我与祢同钉十架，如今不是我活着。。。。乃是基督在我里面活着，主啊！我只为祢而活。。。。。不知不觉地我竟然不受控制的哭了起来。还惊动了护士以为发生什么事。

15/7/2011，清晨两点多，我忽然在睡梦中乍醒，感到主的同在非常强。。。是主！祂来了。。。“顺服至死，且死在十字架上，尊贵荣耀为你的冠冕”听到主这温柔的声音，我不禁泣不成声。。。接着而来的是从 11/6/2011开始所发生一幕幕的情景不断地涌现在我眼前。。。从马六甲。。。到新加坡。。。动手术。。。。

还有休养期间Janet 姐妹有一天跑到病房来对我说神感动她要把 路加福音4:3-12节的经文给我。就是主耶稣在出来服事之前被引到旷野受魔鬼的三个试探的经文。紧接着是Elizabeth 姐妹在30/6/2011 来探访我时对我说的一番话。她说：“just as I enter the ward, the Lord said Ps Esther has passed the test, and the anointing came upon her。当时的我听得一头雾水，只回应她“Test? What Test?”后就不了了之了。此刻，这一幕幕都浮现在脑海里。。。。。

现在我终于明白了！原来所经历的这一切都是神把我引到旷野来考验我！哈利路亚，赞美主！原来是这么一回事！是的，天怎样高过地，照样，祢的道路高过我们的道路；祢的意念高过我们的意念（赛55:9）。谁能明白你无限的慈爱，谁能了解你无穷的知慧？没有！一个也没有！

两三天后，在灵修时，当我读到创世记12:2-3 我必叫你成为大国。我必赐福给你，叫你的名为大；你也要叫别人得福。 为你祝福的，我必赐福与他；那咒诅你的，我必咒诅他。地上的万族都要因你得福时， 神的恩膏忽然大大的浇灌下来，我知道神在对我说话。。。。。

这让我想起了在2003年中，时候到了，是兑现对神的承诺，辞去工作奉献与神了。本可向公司领取一笔可观的裁员费，但我领受主要我放弃这笔可观的数目。我挣扎了一段时日后终于抵不过主望着我那忧伤的眼神而决定放弃那笔钱。当时还被同事、亲友们冷嘲热讽，说我傻有钱都不要、嫌钱多不如拿来分给他们等等的。。。后来主对我说祂要赐给我亚伯拉罕的祝福。老实说，当时的我并不明白何谓“亚伯拉罕的祝福”，过后也就忘了这回事。

2006 年当神命令我和Ps Paul 配搭时，因着保守的思想和成长的背景，我痛苦的挣扎好一段时间。有一天，神让我想起在菲利宾宣教时，祂把Esther这个名赐给我。我想，Esther 是为她的民族捨命的，那神把我改成这名就是要我为祂的福音捨命！哎哟哟。。。。。想啊想啊的不尽又泪如雨下。。。算了，死就死吧！我决定顺服祂的命令与Ps Paul 配搭。此后，神再一次的提醒我，祂赐给我的是“亚伯拉罕的祝福”，也赐下经文要我去读创世记12章，我才更进一步的了解这祝福的意义。

现在 祂又再一次的提醒我，坚定祂对我的应许。这是第三次了，感谢祢阿爸父！回首多年来的风雨路，除了感恩，也还是感恩。

主啊，我要对祢说：


我不知道前面还有多少捆锁于患难要面对，我选择顺服祢。不以性命为念，也不看为宝贵，只要行完我的路程，成就我从主所领受的职事，证明神恩惠的福音。

有一天当时后满足时，愿我能像使徒保罗所说的一样“那美好的仗我已经打过了，当跑的路我已经跑尽了，所信的道我已经守住了。还有主啊，求祢也为我持守祢所赐 给我那尊贵荣耀的冠 冕。阿门！”
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Obedient to Death: Lord, Thank You for the Fall

On 11 June, 2011, while lying on the bed, thinking of what to wear for Elisha & Joann wedding lunch reception, I dozed off. I seem to hear Joann’s voice, calling me “Mummy...” I answered “coming”, and within a split second, I fell from my bed, and I shouted:”Ayo! Very pain!” … and started to cry.

I knew the seriousness of my leg injury, as I was not able to stand, and I felt excruciating pain….

Many thoughts flashed through my mind:-” What happened?”, “Oh Lord, why this thing happened?” “Have I done something wrong?”, “Are you disciplining me?”, “You are a God of mercy and grace, please reveal to me my sins, so I have a chance to repent!” ….”Oh Lord, I’m in pain! I can’t bear it, do not forsake me. I don’t know where the problems lies, nor, which area have I sinned against you. Please do not turn your face away from me. Have mercy on me...”

So long as I don’t move, the pain was still bearable. As I quiet myself, the Lord prompted me to read 1 Peter 2:v13-22 (Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake …..He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth). I felt in my spirit, the Lord is responding to my earlier questions, that I have not committed any sin that resulted in this fall. I felt better.

If I did not sin against God, why this thing happened? Suddenly, I thought of tomorrow’s wedding lunch reception. I repented before the Lord, as the Lord has set me apart, and He does not want me to worry about worldly matters. I told the Lord if it’s His heartbeat, I’m willing to will obey Him, and not attend tomorrow’s wedding lunch reception. His will be done, and He be glorified.

I asked the Pastor and leaders to pray for me, and seek the Lord for revelation. I remembered Ps. Paul replied: “You are suffering for your Calling”. Then I asked the Lord to heal me, and I felt He wanted me to fast and pray for 3 days. So I obeyed. While everyone went to Elisha and Joann wedding lunch reception, I was alone at the CKRM Malacca Centre, fasting and praying.

Thank God! I felt I have more or less, recovered. On the 4th day (15 June, 2011), I was able to move freely, climbing the stairs, and even able to look after myself. Sis Gloria felt the Lord impressed upon her heart, she could now go back to Singapore. The following day (i.e. Friday), I was able to resume my daily activities, and even ministered to the members who came for the cell group meeting.

On Saturday, I returned to CKRM PJ. Not only could I carry my luggage to 3rd floor, I was able to minister at “Healing in His Wings”. On Sunday (19 June, 2011) morning, I felt as if I have fully recovered. I could walk down the flight of stairs on my own, without any pain, to the airport. However, I never expect on my way to Singapore, I began to feel the pain on my leg. The pain became so unbearable, that I had to be on wheel chair.

The next day (20 June, 2011), I went to the clinic for check-up. The doctor said there was no fracture, but I may have hurt my nerve. After x-ray, I was allowed to leave. However, 3 days later, I received a call from the clinic. The x-ray showed I have fractured my bone, and they wanted me to make a trip to the hospital immediately. After going through the x-ray, the doctor explained my condition was extremely serious, and recommended I should be operated immediately. Not only was the doctor puzzled, but felt I was talking nonsense, when he learned of my moving around in Malaysia for 11 days, and from Kuala Lumpur airport to Singapore Changi airport. The doctor further insisted I should be operated immediately.

I was quite lost. Since I dedicated myself to the Lord in 2003, it’s the Lord who healed me of my flu/cold, as I’m not quite willing to see the doctor. At that time, I began to panic. All I could do is to turn to the Lord, and seek His will if I should go for the operation.

However, regardless of whether the answer was a “Yes”, or, a “No”, I could feel His anointing upon me. I could not tell what God’s will was for me. The last resort was to use the “Gideon’s method” of using the wool fleece (Judges 6:v36-40) to seek God’s direction. I decided to turn down the doctor’s advice, and not to go for the operation. The doctor was quite taken aback, and thought I was “crazy”. He doesn’t permit me to leave. Instead he called Jitson to come and persuade me to go for the operation. I explained to Jitson that it’s not that I’m not willing to go for the operation, nor do I not know of the dangers of not operating. But I have sought the Lord, and got the answer, I dare not, nor am I willing to go against His will. I have a stronger conviction my life belongs to the Lord, that He will protect and heal me. Jitson agreed with what I said. I asked the doctor to give me 3 days. If my condition did not improve, I will come back for the operation. At the doctor’s advice, Sis Elizabeth bought me a wheelchair, as the doctor classified my case as “urgent” and “dangerous”, he advised I need complete rest, and not walk.

I’m thankful to God, who took away my pain, while I wait upon Him to heal me supernaturally.

On 28 June, 2011, I went to the hospital with great anticipation. However, the x-ray showed I still need to go for operation. At that moment, I was extremely disappointed, and I felt as if my heart was like a big rock sinking into the bottom of the sea. Many thoughts and questions flood my mind! I just wondered what’s going on. What am I doing? And what was God doing? If I need to go for operation, why didn’t He reveal to me right from the beginning?

29 June, 2011, I wept after the operation. But I just did not know the reason….was it because of the physical pain? Or, why is the Lord treating me in such a manner? I remembered I told the Lord while I was in pain, “I’m not asking You to heal me supernaturally, I just want to obey you, and so I sought You. I thought You wanted to heal me, when You prompted me not to go to the Chinese Traditional doctor, but to fast and pray.

In Singapore, You prompted me not to go for operation. Though I knew the danger of not going for the operation and though people think I’m foolish, playing with my own life. Yet I trust in You, and rejected the doctor’s advice, thinking You will heal me.

You used Your servant to tell me to go for the operation, I surely listen. But I felt aggrieved. Even if you want to heal me by going through the operation, why do you want me to go through many unnecessary processes?

No matter what, You are my Lord, and You have full sovereignty over me, and my life belongs to You. Though I may not understand why this happen, from now on, I choose not to pursue this. Instead, I only ask You grant me more strength and grace to go through this journey. Preserve me that I will not complain. Oh Lord! I choose to give thanks. Thank you for the fall. Thank you for the operation! I also choose to continue to run the race, and fight the good fight for Your name, amen!”

After this, I was able to quietly recuperate, and while in hospital, the song “Rejoice Always” (常常喜乐) became my source of strength…. “Rejoice always, sing praises to the Lord, not matter what the situation is ….. pray always, wait patiently, God has a time for everything … those who sow in tears will reap with songs of harvest...”

I also hummed the song “Oh Lord, I come before You (主啊我到祢面前)… present to You this day, my life, my all, as a living sacrifice, together we nailed on the cross, now it is not I who live … but Christ that lives in me, Oh Lord! I only live for you ……” unknowingly, I busted into uncontrollable tears, and the nurses were puzzled.

July 15, 2011, at 2 a.m., I was awakened from my sleep, and felt the presence of God very strong … it’s the Lord! He’s here …”Obedience to death, death on the cross, crown you with glory and honour “. Hearing this gentle voice of the Lord, I was chocked with tears … The Lord brought my memories back to 11 June, 2011, beginning from the fall … one scene after another … from Malacca … to Singapore … to operation scene ….

While I was recuperating in the hospital, Sis Janet run up to my ward. She told me the Lord prompted her to pass the bible verse of Luke 4:v3-12 to me. It is about our Lord being tested in the wilderness, before He began His ministry. Next, Sis Elizabeth came to visit me on 30 June, 2011 (a day after my operation). She told me, “Just as I entered the ward, the Lord said Ps Esther has passed the test, and the anointing came upon me”. My responds to her at that moment was, “Test? What test?” Then, I just brush this aside.

Now I understand! All the experiences are the tests the Lord had for me! Hallelujah, praise the Lord! Yes, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are Your ways higher than our ways and Your thoughts than ours” (Isaiah 55:v9). Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom, who can fathom the depth Your love? No! Not one!

2 to 3 days later, while doing my quiet time, I was reading Genesis 12:v2-3 “I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you”. The anointing came upon me very strong, and I knew the Lord was speaking to me …..

This reminded me of an incident in 2003. It was time for me to keep my promise to the Lord, to resign from my job and go into fulltime serving the Lord. I was to be given the early retirement package, which involves quite a large sum of money. However, I felt the Lord wanted me to forego this. I struggled for a while. But when I saw the Lord looking at me with a very sad expression, I decided to forego the money. Not only my colleagues, but my relatives were quite sarcastic to me, making comments that I’m silly not to take the money, and if I find I have got so much money, I might as well distribute the money among them etc…. Later the Lord told me He will give me the “Abrahamic Blessings” (blessings according to God’s covenant with Abraham). Honestly, at that time, I did not understand what this “Abrahamic Blessings” was all about, and I forgot about it.

In 2006, when the Lord commanded me to pair up with Ps Paul for Ministry, I struggled for a long while. This was due to my conservative thinking and upbringing. One day, the Lord reminded me of the incident while I was on a mission trip to Philippine. He gave me the name “Esther”. I remembered in the book of “Esther”, Queen Esther was willing to sacrifice her life, so as to save the people. So when the Lord gave me this name, He wants me to be willing to sacrifice my life for the gospel! While pondering over this…. I wept uncontrollably…..forget it, if I have to die for the gospel, I just have to! I decided to obey the Lord’s command, and pair up with Ps. Paul as ministering partner. Thereafter, the Lord reminded me again, He will give me the “Abrahamic Blessings”, and wanted me to read Genesis 12. I began to understand bit by bit, the significance of this blessing.

Once again, the Lord reminded me, and affirming His promise to me for the third time. Thank you Abba Father! Looking back at the years of trails and tribulation, I could only give thanks to Him.

Lord, I want to tell you:

"Thank you for the call upon my life as per Luke 18:29-30 Jesus said, 'No one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and in the age to come, eternal life' and Matthew 19:12, '.... others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven...'

I do not know what’s ahead of me, but I choose to obey You. I consider my life worth nothing to me, all I want is to finish the journey, complete the task You have given - the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace."

One day, when my time is up, may I be like Apostle Paul, to be able to say “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now, there is in store for me the crown of righteousness." Amen!

Ps Esther Yap
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Footnote:
Ps Paul Ang invited Rev Mary Eu of Singapore Christian Prayer House through Sis Gloria to come to CKRM Singapore for a reunion after an absence of more than 4 years. We could not have a fellowship earlier because the Lord's heartbeat was to place our priority to concentrate and focus on the ministry that He has called us.